Another Update and a List of What Not to Do.

I’ve mentioned that it’s been a challenging few weeks around the Moore house.  I didn’t imagine I would share this so soon, but I just feel like maybe it would be helpful to someone else.  Or therapeutic for me.  Or something….

We found out that we lost our third baby.  This is our second pregnancy loss, but our third pregnancy.  After our first miscarriage, I didn’t tell anyone for a looooong time (other than the people who knew we were pregnant in the first place).  But I’m learning that in life that it’s okay to share our hurts as well as our joys.  It’s what makes us human.  Things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows, and to pretend that they are is just inauthentic.  And that’s the last thing I want to be.  My life is awesome sometimes and kinda sucks other times, but I live in a place of grace.  I am not afraid to share our stories of loss or hurt or imperfection because there is grace for all those things.  I am secure enough in my relationship with Jesus to be able to express myself and hopefully use a terrible situation to His glory.

That being said, here’s a few things that I feel like are important for people to know.  This may or may not apply to all women in the same situation, but these are things I’m learning as we go through this for the second time.  Also, this may be a bit cynical, so I hope you will forgive me for that.  I’m not trying to be particularly sage or encouraging.  I’m just trying to be real.

1.  Don’t try to make me feel better.  While words of encouragement are greatly appreciated, there is really nothing that can be said that will make it any less painful.  A woman needs to be allowed to grieve the loss of her baby without people immediately trying to help her get over it.  It’s okay to still be sad about it a year, two years, 10, 15, 20 years (etc.) later.  That’s your baby and the sting of losing a baby will never really go away.

2.  The stats really don’t help.  Yes, 15-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage.  Maybe 40% of all pregnancies (known and unknown) end in miscarriage.  But really, nothing positive is accomplished by stating this.  End of story.

3.  Having another healthy baby doesn’ t make it any easier.  I am so very, very thankful for our sweet Josiah.  He is precious and perfect and the best thing to happen to us since we got married 5 years ago.  But as I just stated, that doesn’t make it any easier.

4.  “It just wasn’t meant to be.”  Ummmm, just don’t say that please.  Thanks.

5.  “Some people have it much worse.”  Yep.  That’s true.  But am I really supposed to be comforted by someone else’s pain?  That’s just silly.

I could probably come up with a few more, but I think what I’m really getting at here is that losing a baby is terrible no matter what.  It hurts no matter what.  Of course people want to help, and that is amazing.  Don’t think your offers to help are unappreciated.

But I think the most helpful thing that can be said is, “I’m praying for you.  Let me know how I can help.”  That’s really all that needs to be said.  Anything more and you’re likely to dig yourself one of the previously mentioned proverbial holes.  Or if you’re a really good friend, you can offer to be my bartender 😉  (shout out to my buddy).

Please know that in spite of all that has happened this last week, we are doing okay.  Yes, we are hurting.  But we also know that God is still in control and is taking care of our family.

Also, if you are dealing with or have dealt with pregnancy loss and would like to talk to someone, please, please get in touch with me.  I don’t have all the answers, obviously (or any, for that matter), but I do know that sharing with (or crying with) women who have been in your same situation is sometimes necessary.

I hope you all will have a good week, and I’ll try to get back on the bandwagon of accomplishing something related to saving money on here soon.  Love you all.

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25 thoughts on “Another Update and a List of What Not to Do.

  1. Thanks for sharing this- I can only imagine what you are going through and We always have you and your sweet family in our prayers! You are excellent at putting emotions into words and this is very well written. Love you so much!!

  2. When we lost our first baby, I didn’t want to tell anyone. I lived with shame and guilt and of course sadness all locked up in my soul. Then I shared with one person and then another and suddenly women in this midst of their own despair were finding me. I was holding their hands sand telling them what to expect and what had helped me get out of bed in the morning. Bless you for putting this out for those lost souls to come find you.

    I am very sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and I know nothing makes this better.

    I’m comforted that God sacrificed His Son and I believe must have felt grief and agony. He holds you close.

    *hugs*

  3. So saddened by this news. Well said, Mary. And you’re right. 17 years later, the pain is still there, though, thankfully, not every day. Grace and peace to you and Josh.

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  5. Completely agree with the ‘stats’! From the emergency room doctor, to the nurse at my health clinic to my own family doctor, everyone gave me the ‘stats’ and every one said you can keep trying. The stats only made me feel worse… why was I the one in three or one in four to miscarry? I also agree that once I started ‘sharing’ what happened, I learned that so many other woman I knew had gone through the same. It was eye opening. Thanks for the post.

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